The Escapist

Well, my money worries are over.

My aunt gave me three grand for living to the ripe old age of 30.

I’m still a little shocked, but you can bet your ass I deposited that check as fast as possible.

I’m only really thinking about this because Lisa is so stressed I think she might be about to climb a clock tower and aim at people she needs to buy presents for. But I’m stressed, too. Usually it is sort of a background stress that presents itself as mild annoyance (on top of my usual level of general annoyance), but now I’m getting Worried.

Here’s my problem. Remember my space sickness of Thanksgiving? I missed a week of work that I couldn’t afford to miss. I mean “afford” in the financial sense. Bills are slipping. My cell phone has been shut off for a week now, and I probably won’t be able to afford to get it turned on until some time after the new year. I have to pay half the cable bill tonight or it gets shut off, and somehow also buy my parents their gifts for Christmas. And the money just ain’t there.

Through an artful use of begging, I’ve convinced my boss to let me work an extra hour a day this week. What does that mean? It means I’ll be working 30 hours this week instead of 25. Woo. No overtime. Oh, and I need to figure out what to do about Christmas Day and the following Friday. I’m a part-time worker so there’s no Holiday pay for me. I’m well and truly screwed financially for the next month. It’s kinda stressing me out. Ya know?

So I guess what I want to know is, does anyone know where I can sell a kidney?

My bank offers short term “Holiday Loans” at a really good interest rate, but let’s not kid ourselves here. At the best of times I can break even and maybe put 20 bucks in savings every other month. I won’t be able to make payments on a loan.

Maybe I should stand on the access road of I-35 with a sign that says, “Will rite prose for cash. God bles.”

Lisa is at a funeral today that I couldn’t make it to…. Finals and such.

I’m convinced that funerals are such an ordeal to make people feel better about getting on with their lives after the circus is finally over.

When I die, I’d like to be cremated with none of that “viewing” business for me, thank you very much. Just cook me up right, shatter and grind the bones, stick me in a plastic bag and punt me off a cliff on your way to a bar.

And when you punt me, try to use the flat of your foot (like you’re kicking a soccer ball) so the bag doesn’t rip and you get covered in ashes. That would just be annoying.

Lisa is gone for a day or two and I’m entertaining myself with reading and half a turkey sandwich I found in the fridge.

Finals are coming up, and I should be studying right now, but I’m so burned out I can’t force myself to pry open my books.

I probably shouldn’t have superglued the pages together.

That got old real fast.

So what’s new in the world? I’m just sitting here compulsively checking Twitter and humming the theme song to Scooby Doo.

Please. For the love of god, entertain me! Give me links of things to look at. I’ll apprecate you more when you play along with my whims.

Is it too early to start drinking?