The Escapist

Well, my money worries are over.

My aunt gave me three grand for living to the ripe old age of 30.

I’m still a little shocked, but you can bet your ass I deposited that check as fast as possible.

I’m only really thinking about this because Lisa is so stressed I think she might be about to climb a clock tower and aim at people she needs to buy presents for. But I’m stressed, too. Usually it is sort of a background stress that presents itself as mild annoyance (on top of my usual level of general annoyance), but now I’m getting Worried.

Here’s my problem. Remember my space sickness of Thanksgiving? I missed a week of work that I couldn’t afford to miss. I mean “afford” in the financial sense. Bills are slipping. My cell phone has been shut off for a week now, and I probably won’t be able to afford to get it turned on until some time after the new year. I have to pay half the cable bill tonight or it gets shut off, and somehow also buy my parents their gifts for Christmas. And the money just ain’t there.

Through an artful use of begging, I’ve convinced my boss to let me work an extra hour a day this week. What does that mean? It means I’ll be working 30 hours this week instead of 25. Woo. No overtime. Oh, and I need to figure out what to do about Christmas Day and the following Friday. I’m a part-time worker so there’s no Holiday pay for me. I’m well and truly screwed financially for the next month. It’s kinda stressing me out. Ya know?

So I guess what I want to know is, does anyone know where I can sell a kidney?

My bank offers short term “Holiday Loans” at a really good interest rate, but let’s not kid ourselves here. At the best of times I can break even and maybe put 20 bucks in savings every other month. I won’t be able to make payments on a loan.

Maybe I should stand on the access road of I-35 with a sign that says, “Will rite prose for cash. God bles.”

Lisa is at a funeral today that I couldn’t make it to…. Finals and such.

I’m convinced that funerals are such an ordeal to make people feel better about getting on with their lives after the circus is finally over.

When I die, I’d like to be cremated with none of that “viewing” business for me, thank you very much. Just cook me up right, shatter and grind the bones, stick me in a plastic bag and punt me off a cliff on your way to a bar.

And when you punt me, try to use the flat of your foot (like you’re kicking a soccer ball) so the bag doesn’t rip and you get covered in ashes. That would just be annoying.

Lisa is gone for a day or two and I’m entertaining myself with reading and half a turkey sandwich I found in the fridge.

Finals are coming up, and I should be studying right now, but I’m so burned out I can’t force myself to pry open my books.

I probably shouldn’t have superglued the pages together.

That got old real fast.

So what’s new in the world? I’m just sitting here compulsively checking Twitter and humming the theme song to Scooby Doo.

Please. For the love of god, entertain me! Give me links of things to look at. I’ll apprecate you more when you play along with my whims.

Is it too early to start drinking?

First day into work all week with the exception of a futile attempt to stay upright at my desk on Monday. That lasted 45 minutes before I couldn’t see straight.

I’m worrying my co-workers with my convulsive hacking cough. At least I’m not coughing up blood like I was this morning.

My arms and legs are tingly and feel like heat waves are radiating from them. My eyeballs are doing this neat pulsing thing and I can feel tiny gnome standing on my back jabbing me with sporks.

I’m tempted to cancel all my Thanksgiving insane-making-plans and just spend the next 4 days in bed trying not to die. I infected Lisa with the Space Sickness as well and while she’s (for once) being pragmatic about me getting her sick, I occasionally want to point at her and crow, “YOU SEE? YOUR SILLY FLU SHOT IS BUNK! BUNK I TELL YOU! BUNK!”

But If I did that, she’d kick my ass.

Man. What an overwhelming amount of attention. I feel like the belle of the ball.

Well, all three of you want me to be funny, so…. how about this:

Zune Paint

I know you are out there reading this thing. I can see you. You’re sitting there in your underwear smoking Pall Malls and using the tweezers to pluck the hairs off that mole.

Are you wanting me to be funny here? Serious? do you want reposting of all the political news I compulsively read? What?

What will make you give me the feedback I so desperately crave?

I feel like I’m stretched very thin.

I’m not sure why I feel that way; it’s not like I do much of anything. Work is still work. Mind numbing and generally feeling like a crappy way to make a buck, but they’re pretty good about giving me time off when I need it for school.

School’s a different matter. I’ve been in college for over two years now, and I’m getting tired of it all. That’s really not a good attitude to have, but what-cha-gonna-do? I’m only taking 3 classes this semester and it feels like I never have any time where I don’t have an assignment due, or test coming up. It’s aggrivating.

After school and work, I’m exhausted, and after Lisa’s full day at work and 2 hour commute, she’s even more tired than I am. She gets home around 7:30 most nights, and if I’m lucky, she’ll stay awake until 11:30. Aside from weekends, I average about 4 hours a day of awake-time with my girlfriend. And that really sucks.

***

Wow. What a whiny little shit I am. On to something fucked up.

Last night I had a dream that I was positive was really happening at the time. It didn’t feel like a dream, you understand. I was doing my Japanese homework (I had actually fallen asleep on the worksheet I was filling out and my drool ruined 4 answers.) and suddenly I really needed to piss. I don’t mean “man, it would be a good idea to empty my bladder soon” sort of need. I mean “Oh god! my crotch! It burns with the fullness of eternal suffering and awkward yoga positions!” sort of need.

Sp I run to the bathroom, barely in time, and proceed to urinate like my life depended on having a panel of judges score my arc on it’s asthetic value. But wait. It gets weird(er)! I can’t stop. I just keep pissing, and needing to flush the toilet every two minutes to keep the bowl from over flowing. After two hours of this, I still can’t stop, and my groin is burning like I’ve gotten 38 previously undiscovered STDs all stabbing me in the junk with pitchforks. The pain is so bad that my knees are buckling, and I start to back away from the toilet, still pissing, working harder to keep my aim centered on the bowl. I make it out of the bathroom and I’m pissing around a corner because that’s just how shit works in dreams. I backup all the way to where my cell phone is pugged into the wall. It’s been hours and I still can’t stop urinating. The stream of piss is hurling itself along almost completely unaided by me at this point, and I need to call 911. I want the Fire Department to come over and use one of those giant wrenches to turn off the flow going to my dick. I pick up the phone, and then I wake up. I’m holding my cell phone and it’s alarm is going off.

Like I said; fucked up, huh?

Ever since I upgraded to Wordpress 2.6 I’ve been getting a ton of comment and trackback spam.

It’s enough to make me want to set a hobo on fire.

Does anyone else have this problem? Not the burning hobo thing, the assloads of spam.